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Defriending: Oh the trauma!
ETA: Guys, guys, you're supposed to be amused by this post. *facepalm* You know, making fun of the people who actually care about the size of their friends list... *crickets chrip*
Friends lists. That most complicated aspect of maintaining an lj. Who to friend, who not to friend and when is it time to defriend? Burning questions. Listen, I've got all your answers right here - friend whomever sparks your interest, though remember to set up filters for personal posts, and defriend when someone has become dead boring or annoying. It's that simple.
Do not defriend upon yourself being defriended, unless it's for trust reasons. Why deprive yourself of reading a journal that's evidently been of interest to you in the past, because of your pride? The problem, I think, comes when people attach some kind of actual friendship to their list. The flaw in this thinking is that many people friend journals solely to read them - hell, I'm friended by strange people frequently and I many never exchange comments with them. We also have to allow for a kind of probation period upon being friended. Why in hell should one take offense at being defriended if one has only been on the list for a few weeks?
It's absurd and quite pathetic, really. Grow a backbone and compose the contents of your list as you like. It baffles me how people can put so much stock in the opinions of others that they're sent into fits of apoplexy at the sight of a new blue arrow. The shame, the shame!
I'm the first to admit that I'm compulsive about my journal settings and will friend and defriend almost randomly, in order to keep certain ratios and to satisfy certain alphabetical fetishes. However, it's long been established that I'm not exactly, ah, normal. Most of the time though, I've got a very good reason for defriend and usually it is because the journalist in question has been droning, entry after entry, about the sort of mundanity that makes one want to put out one's eye with a broken pencil. Failing that, it's most likely because the journalist is a complete and utter tool, unable to observe even the simplest precepts of netiquette.
ALL CAPS ARE REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING, TRUST ME ON THIS.
Cut tags? A fabulous thing. Wondrous, even.
The ability to communicate in something approximating the English language is not optional. Don't listen to the fuckwits who might attempt to convince you otherwise.
So to all those who have ever wondered why they were defriended, allow me to present you to this simple guide to remaining friended.
1. Do not update with utter crap. Please, at least try to say something interesting. Six posts daily, detailing everything from your sock crises, to the contents of your liquor cabinet do not endear you to anyone.
2. Cut the whinging. If you must regale us with tales of your innermost torments, keep it concise and remember, irony is your friend: the whiner who laughs at herself is the whiner who isn't kicked in the face with a boot.
3. Minimize your use of slang and generally conform to the rules of standard English. The odd 'yo' is understandable, but if I have to read your entry three times before I can even begin to decipher it, for all the garbled net slang and exclamation marks, I'll be hitting that scary delete button. Ooo. Doesn't that make you shake in your boots?
4. Use cut tags for spoilers, quiz and meme results, fics, pics, and long posts. That's it. So simple a monkey could handle it!
5. Do not post while intoxicated, unless you have a firm grasp on your psyche. Drunks are funny in person because they fall over spill things on themselves. Poor typing, unfocused thoughts and unrestrained maudlin rambling are not funny. Next time you're six sheets to the wind and think it might be fun to update your journal, go vandalize something or fuck a stranger instead. It's better for everyone this way.
6. If you don't think anyone will be interested in a particular entry, don't post it.
7. Recognize that some things are best kept private and some should be shared only between friends.
8. Never express insecurity in order to garner sympathy. Never.
9. Don't get so up on yourself that every joke becomes the basis of some new flame war or existential crisis. That's just boring. Remind yourself not to take things personally and just enjoy yourself. Or crunch the bones of fandom newbies with your beastly teeth. Really, whatever works for you.
Ba dee, ba dee, that's all folks.
*waves*
Friends lists. That most complicated aspect of maintaining an lj. Who to friend, who not to friend and when is it time to defriend? Burning questions. Listen, I've got all your answers right here - friend whomever sparks your interest, though remember to set up filters for personal posts, and defriend when someone has become dead boring or annoying. It's that simple.
Do not defriend upon yourself being defriended, unless it's for trust reasons. Why deprive yourself of reading a journal that's evidently been of interest to you in the past, because of your pride? The problem, I think, comes when people attach some kind of actual friendship to their list. The flaw in this thinking is that many people friend journals solely to read them - hell, I'm friended by strange people frequently and I many never exchange comments with them. We also have to allow for a kind of probation period upon being friended. Why in hell should one take offense at being defriended if one has only been on the list for a few weeks?
It's absurd and quite pathetic, really. Grow a backbone and compose the contents of your list as you like. It baffles me how people can put so much stock in the opinions of others that they're sent into fits of apoplexy at the sight of a new blue arrow. The shame, the shame!
I'm the first to admit that I'm compulsive about my journal settings and will friend and defriend almost randomly, in order to keep certain ratios and to satisfy certain alphabetical fetishes. However, it's long been established that I'm not exactly, ah, normal. Most of the time though, I've got a very good reason for defriend and usually it is because the journalist in question has been droning, entry after entry, about the sort of mundanity that makes one want to put out one's eye with a broken pencil. Failing that, it's most likely because the journalist is a complete and utter tool, unable to observe even the simplest precepts of netiquette.
ALL CAPS ARE REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING, TRUST ME ON THIS.
Cut tags? A fabulous thing. Wondrous, even.
The ability to communicate in something approximating the English language is not optional. Don't listen to the fuckwits who might attempt to convince you otherwise.
So to all those who have ever wondered why they were defriended, allow me to present you to this simple guide to remaining friended.
How To Avoid Being Lynched Or Shunned By Your Friends List
( or, Nine Steps To Being Less Of An Lj Tool)
( or, Nine Steps To Being Less Of An Lj Tool)
1. Do not update with utter crap. Please, at least try to say something interesting. Six posts daily, detailing everything from your sock crises, to the contents of your liquor cabinet do not endear you to anyone.
2. Cut the whinging. If you must regale us with tales of your innermost torments, keep it concise and remember, irony is your friend: the whiner who laughs at herself is the whiner who isn't kicked in the face with a boot.
3. Minimize your use of slang and generally conform to the rules of standard English. The odd 'yo' is understandable, but if I have to read your entry three times before I can even begin to decipher it, for all the garbled net slang and exclamation marks, I'll be hitting that scary delete button. Ooo. Doesn't that make you shake in your boots?
4. Use cut tags for spoilers, quiz and meme results, fics, pics, and long posts. That's it. So simple a monkey could handle it!
5. Do not post while intoxicated, unless you have a firm grasp on your psyche. Drunks are funny in person because they fall over spill things on themselves. Poor typing, unfocused thoughts and unrestrained maudlin rambling are not funny. Next time you're six sheets to the wind and think it might be fun to update your journal, go vandalize something or fuck a stranger instead. It's better for everyone this way.
6. If you don't think anyone will be interested in a particular entry, don't post it.
7. Recognize that some things are best kept private and some should be shared only between friends.
8. Never express insecurity in order to garner sympathy. Never.
9. Don't get so up on yourself that every joke becomes the basis of some new flame war or existential crisis. That's just boring. Remind yourself not to take things personally and just enjoy yourself. Or crunch the bones of fandom newbies with your beastly teeth. Really, whatever works for you.
Ba dee, ba dee, that's all folks.
*waves*
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Cooing,
FTL
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I'm ambivalent about writing for public consumption; half my reason for keeping an LJ is for simple convenience on my part. I've lost a paper journal by leaving it somewhere, and a few WordPerfect document journals by locking with an unremembered password for one, and file corruption for the rest. So I keep it online for my convenience, and I keep it unlocked so if others even care to keep up with my ramblings, they may. Enough of them do, and I write well enough, so that I don't put most of my random entries on private, even though I might skim over them in others' journals.
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If people don't like what I write - or how I write it - in my journal, they're free to defriend.
So yes, this stuff is nice and all, but I don't really care, in the end, if the number of people on my friends list dives because I'm using my own journal *as* a journal, and therefore as a place to put my thoughts on a variety of subjects that may or may not interest a variety of people.
I don't think that the medium necessarily determines the message, in this case.
*shrug*
Nobody forces anyone to read anybody's LJ. That's the good part of the friends list and the filters.
Some stuff seems like common courtesy, but I'm not going to go around telling people what they can and can't do in their own space. I'll just go back to mine and bitch about them.
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I'm not saying that this is how we all must behave. I'm saying that if your goal is to not be defriended, ever, then following those rules will help you on your way.
The point is that caring about who friends you is ridiculous. Your journal is ultimately your own space, to do with as you wish and you need to focus on your own needs and desires, not cater to an outside body.
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So I figure-- say whatever you want in your own LJ space, and if they like you, they'll friend you. And if they think you're rude or they don't like caps or overload of quizzes-- then they won't friend you. But someone adds you to their list of their own will, no other reason, and chances are because they like what you say. So say what you would normally say, and don't stress about whether it's irritaitng to other people or not. Because if it is, those people won't bother with you anyway, and no loss on your part. Tayloring yourself to what you think other people want your journal to look like will only make it less genuine, and probably less interesting.
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The purpose of my LJ is for my own discussions of whatever I feel like talking about, not to draw an audience to myself to stroke my own ego, and if people don't want to read what I'm saying I'm not going to whinge about it. I've had people say "If you don't stop talking about fandom X I'm going to unfriend you," and my reply to that is ... go ahead :) And as a reader, I'm not going to make demands on the people I read as far as their content. If I don't feel like reading it, I won't. I expect no more or less in return.
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I think it comes down to this, say what you like, but say it well, with an eye to your audience, because if you don't, you're just making an ass of yourself.
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And, hey! Shouldn't this be behind a cut tag? ;) Interesting points all around. I think one could expound on the idea of not feeling obligated to friend everyone who friends you. Unless I'm familiar with someone from the Park, I usually check out LJs for a while before I friend back. I also hate the term "friend" in reference to this. It should be "people whose LJs I check out" instead.
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Woe.
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I have some problems with the way the system is designed, in that it combines the bookmarking, security and 'friend' functions. It shouldn't. I think it's a little complicated for some people to figure out the system at first and it results in a lot of frustration and some rather stupid mistakes being made. I've known many people to be burned by having the wrong people on their freinds list and not setting up filters for personal posts.
You're right - I tend to friend people who friend me, on a trial basis, so I can get an idea of what they're like. I'll delete many of them after a week or two. It can't be said enough that there should be no social obligation to friend in turn, though I do think that there's a common perception that it's courteous.
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I really need to do a post on that...
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Precisely -- the filter system is a bit more complicated than a css neophyte like myself can figure out without spending a fair bit of time fiddling with it, and in any case the biggest need is to distinguish between "people I'm reading, whether for reasons of affection, amusement or disbelieving horror" and "friends allowed to read my semi-private posts." I've got my friends page titled "People FyrDrakken Would Prefer to Keep an Eye On," but how many of my friends would actually be looking at my friends page rather than catching my posts via their own friends page?
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I've had some problems accepting that people were reading my journal, as well. It just seems so strange.
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That, esp, made me laugh. I get your humor.
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6. If you don't think anyone will be interested in a particular entry, don't post it.
But it's my journal.
Although I guess you're making a list for what to do to stay on many people's friends list. Ah. :)
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*GASP!* Oh my god, MHC! You mean...you're NOT my bestest friend in the whole wide world?!?!? I'm SO not inviting you to my birthday party now. In fact, I think I'm going to go cry. :P
Seriously, your post has made me think about the friending/ defriending process in general, and I might post a response in my LJ when I'm a little more awake.
Pronouncement From On High
And if you don't friend me back, I will -
a) not notice
b) be hurt, and grow to resent you
or
c) realize that you probably just have too many friends starting with the letter 'e' already on your alphabetized, color coded, horoscopically-sound friends chart.
Be readin' ya...