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10 Ways Fandom Has Fucked Canon!Snape Up the Ass With Mischaracterization
ETA: Just to clarify, because a lot of people are reacting the same way. I'm talking about what I see as inaccurate base characterizations, i.e. what makes up the bedrock of a personality. I'm not talking about secondary or learnerd/acquired traits. So, Snape can be a bastard and like books, but he's not a bastard because he likes books.
In no particular order.
1. Sometimes people get the idea that Severus Snape just might be a reasonable man and write fics where he's familiar with the concept of behaving logically, consistently and well, reasonably. He makes sense. He behaves relatively properly, if a bit pissily and actually has reasons for his actions. Reasons that don't seem like they were cooked up by a schizophrenic, crack-addled sparrow. This Snape is commonly paired with Hermione or Harry and is really just a lovably misunderstood misanthrope at heart. He's a big fan of the Socratic method and makes witty remarks with heat-seeking accuracy, neatly shredding his opponents and never, ever seizing up in rage and spitting uncontrollably.
2. There are these fans. They think that clothing really does make the man and assume that because movie!Snape is a big fan of buttons that he's a timelost Victorian romantic hero. Or something. He's prudishly reserved and is not fond of the messier side of life. Sex? We don't talk about that here, oh no. This Snape is endearingly old fashioned, with a stiff upper lip and barrels of dignity. Again, no spittle to be found.
3. People have kinks and fic writers like to project their kinks onto characters - we all know this. Unfortunately for us all, many people just don't use good sense when foisting their nelly-bottoming and spankmecutmeohpleasemakemebleed(butnotinreallife) wussy-ass, faux, masochism onto characters. Here's the thing, Snape trusts no one. He certainly doesn't trust anyone enough to explore his kinks with them. Go on, let's see some evidence that Snape would ever be comfortable expressing masochism. Or even that he'd be comfortable with sexual sadism. I dare you. Kink requires trust and some level of emotional control. Even if he managed enough trust to start, he'd ruin the fun by losing control of himself in mere seconds. With spittle.
4. Did you know that Snape actually has good hygiene? It's those darned potions that make his hair all greasy and the tea that's stained his teeth yellow. He wants to be pretty but it's so haaaaaard. *whimper/sob* Don't you kind of feel sorry for him already? Isn't he so romantic and wonderful and oh god he deserves love!!! To borrow a term from Smallville fandom - WOOBIE.
5. Snape loved Lily so much that when she married James, he turned to the Dark Side. Woe. Or maybe he loved Remus so much that his 'attempt to kill Snape' was scarring. He's never gotten over it. He really isn't driven by hatred and the drive for petty revenge, so much as he is driven by his vast and unending woe. It's quite possible that his mommy never told young Snape that she loved him. This Snape keeps mementos of the object of his unrequited affections and stalks with creepy-but-not-too-creepy obsessiveness. Sometimes he stays a virgin because if he can't have Lily/Remus/Random Gryffindor, then he won't have anyone. Isn't that sweet? And creepy? But kind of sweet? Do you think that maybe he like, cuts himself when he's sad?
6. Once, I was thinking about Snape and wondered if maybe he'd left Voldemort's service because he was offended by the terrible-horrible-no-good-bad things that were going on. Then I laughed myself silly.
7. Some people - people who don't like Snape - have this silly idea that he wants to destroy the world and tortures puppies in his spare time. These people don't understand have the brains of six year olds, it's true, but there are so many of them that it's becoming a concern. This Snape doesn't need a reason to be a bastard, not even one so flimsy as being annoyed by children and generally an asshole. Oh no, this Snape? Is eeeeeeeviiiil. Maybe even eviler than Voldemort. He's pulling strings and seething at the leash Dumbledore has him by, and one day, his plans for armageddon, followed by hot-dead-non-con will come to fruition. Poor Draco and Harry will probably cry on that day, right before Snape rapes them over and over in rapid succession (this Snape possesses a mighty cock that does not wilt) and then kills them in a suitably messy way.
8. While evil!Snape possesses a superior cock, there is another Snape who out-debauches in every way. Yes folks, I'm talking about sex-god!Snape. What? You didn't think that was possible? His greasy hair and nasty disposition probably puts off likely lovers? Heresy! Guards, throw this woman out of the fandom! You see, under all those layers of nasty black robes, Severus Snape burns with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. He wants your body and nothing you do will be enough to resist his smooth-voiced charms. He likes to fuck and fuck often. He'll fuck anything with a hole and he'll make that hole scream for mercy and then scream for more. *swoons*
9. If Snape hadn't been a Slytherin, he'd have been a Ravenclaw. Fanfic told me so. He might be a bastard, but he's a bastard that just wants to curl up with a book, far away from the world. He wants to be left alone to tinker with his potions, uncaring of how they might be used. See, Snape's a teacher and he makes these passionate speeches about subtle sciences and incompetent dunderheads. You know what that means, don't you? He loves to learn. He really, really does. It's just that all these people get in his way. Don't you just love those alternate reality fics where Snape gets to be in his true house and just calms right the fuck down? Ravenclaw!Snape 4eva, y'all!
10. Snape is shy. Endearingly so, of course. He's mean because he's socially awkward and deep down, he really wants you to like him. His mouth gets away from his mind and suddenly he's saying all these horrible things, and hoping that if he strikes first, people won't tease him so much. Poor, poor Severus. Won't someone give him a cookie and handkerchief to mop up that socially awkward spittle?
Of course, I could go on, but why hurt myself even more? *whimper* I think I'll curl up in a dark corner with a good book and my favourite razor, then when I'm feeling a bit better, I'll go out (dressed in my favourite black robes, buttoned up to me eyes) and destroy the world. I sure hope that doesn't make people dislike me, especially not the children of my unrequited love, because then I wouldn't be able to have sex with them.
In no particular order.
1. Sometimes people get the idea that Severus Snape just might be a reasonable man and write fics where he's familiar with the concept of behaving logically, consistently and well, reasonably. He makes sense. He behaves relatively properly, if a bit pissily and actually has reasons for his actions. Reasons that don't seem like they were cooked up by a schizophrenic, crack-addled sparrow. This Snape is commonly paired with Hermione or Harry and is really just a lovably misunderstood misanthrope at heart. He's a big fan of the Socratic method and makes witty remarks with heat-seeking accuracy, neatly shredding his opponents and never, ever seizing up in rage and spitting uncontrollably.
2. There are these fans. They think that clothing really does make the man and assume that because movie!Snape is a big fan of buttons that he's a timelost Victorian romantic hero. Or something. He's prudishly reserved and is not fond of the messier side of life. Sex? We don't talk about that here, oh no. This Snape is endearingly old fashioned, with a stiff upper lip and barrels of dignity. Again, no spittle to be found.
3. People have kinks and fic writers like to project their kinks onto characters - we all know this. Unfortunately for us all, many people just don't use good sense when foisting their nelly-bottoming and spankmecutmeohpleasemakemebleed(butnotinreallife) wussy-ass, faux, masochism onto characters. Here's the thing, Snape trusts no one. He certainly doesn't trust anyone enough to explore his kinks with them. Go on, let's see some evidence that Snape would ever be comfortable expressing masochism. Or even that he'd be comfortable with sexual sadism. I dare you. Kink requires trust and some level of emotional control. Even if he managed enough trust to start, he'd ruin the fun by losing control of himself in mere seconds. With spittle.
4. Did you know that Snape actually has good hygiene? It's those darned potions that make his hair all greasy and the tea that's stained his teeth yellow. He wants to be pretty but it's so haaaaaard. *whimper/sob* Don't you kind of feel sorry for him already? Isn't he so romantic and wonderful and oh god he deserves love!!! To borrow a term from Smallville fandom - WOOBIE.
5. Snape loved Lily so much that when she married James, he turned to the Dark Side. Woe. Or maybe he loved Remus so much that his 'attempt to kill Snape' was scarring. He's never gotten over it. He really isn't driven by hatred and the drive for petty revenge, so much as he is driven by his vast and unending woe. It's quite possible that his mommy never told young Snape that she loved him. This Snape keeps mementos of the object of his unrequited affections and stalks with creepy-but-not-too-creepy obsessiveness. Sometimes he stays a virgin because if he can't have Lily/Remus/Random Gryffindor, then he won't have anyone. Isn't that sweet? And creepy? But kind of sweet? Do you think that maybe he like, cuts himself when he's sad?
6. Once, I was thinking about Snape and wondered if maybe he'd left Voldemort's service because he was offended by the terrible-horrible-no-good-bad things that were going on. Then I laughed myself silly.
7. Some people - people who don't like Snape - have this silly idea that he wants to destroy the world and tortures puppies in his spare time. These people don't understand have the brains of six year olds, it's true, but there are so many of them that it's becoming a concern. This Snape doesn't need a reason to be a bastard, not even one so flimsy as being annoyed by children and generally an asshole. Oh no, this Snape? Is eeeeeeeviiiil. Maybe even eviler than Voldemort. He's pulling strings and seething at the leash Dumbledore has him by, and one day, his plans for armageddon, followed by hot-dead-non-con will come to fruition. Poor Draco and Harry will probably cry on that day, right before Snape rapes them over and over in rapid succession (this Snape possesses a mighty cock that does not wilt) and then kills them in a suitably messy way.
8. While evil!Snape possesses a superior cock, there is another Snape who out-debauches in every way. Yes folks, I'm talking about sex-god!Snape. What? You didn't think that was possible? His greasy hair and nasty disposition probably puts off likely lovers? Heresy! Guards, throw this woman out of the fandom! You see, under all those layers of nasty black robes, Severus Snape burns with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. He wants your body and nothing you do will be enough to resist his smooth-voiced charms. He likes to fuck and fuck often. He'll fuck anything with a hole and he'll make that hole scream for mercy and then scream for more. *swoons*
9. If Snape hadn't been a Slytherin, he'd have been a Ravenclaw. Fanfic told me so. He might be a bastard, but he's a bastard that just wants to curl up with a book, far away from the world. He wants to be left alone to tinker with his potions, uncaring of how they might be used. See, Snape's a teacher and he makes these passionate speeches about subtle sciences and incompetent dunderheads. You know what that means, don't you? He loves to learn. He really, really does. It's just that all these people get in his way. Don't you just love those alternate reality fics where Snape gets to be in his true house and just calms right the fuck down? Ravenclaw!Snape 4eva, y'all!
10. Snape is shy. Endearingly so, of course. He's mean because he's socially awkward and deep down, he really wants you to like him. His mouth gets away from his mind and suddenly he's saying all these horrible things, and hoping that if he strikes first, people won't tease him so much. Poor, poor Severus. Won't someone give him a cookie and handkerchief to mop up that socially awkward spittle?
Of course, I could go on, but why hurt myself even more? *whimper* I think I'll curl up in a dark corner with a good book and my favourite razor, then when I'm feeling a bit better, I'll go out (dressed in my favourite black robes, buttoned up to me eyes) and destroy the world. I sure hope that doesn't make people dislike me, especially not the children of my unrequited love, because then I wouldn't be able to have sex with them.
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