Jihad!

[schmevil]

I like smutfic. I really, really like it. There's nothing better than a well-written smutfic that I can believe in and appreciate. There's a lot of wonderful smut out there, but unfortunately there is also an exponentially larger amount of sheer crap.

Crap that uses words like 'meat' and 'piss-hole' during a sex scene.

These stories have to go down, and go down hard. It is my considered opinion that every one who knows better and yet persists in writing such eye-searing crap, should be forced to test out their fanciful sex scenes. Over and over until they get them right.

To revive an old list, here are some more:

Penis Related
root
penis as weaponry or some other metallic object (ie spear, sword)
thrust
pumping
spewing
'hot pulsating member'
'throbbing manhood'
jutting
'standing at attention'

Nipple Related
nubs
buds
rock-hard
pebbles
love button
lunging
ripe

Vagina Related
'molten feminine core'
'delta of venus'
'nest of soft curls'
core
'gushing pussy'
grasping
mound

Ass
pucker
rosebud
flower
'tight heat'

Other
scissoring
"Harder! Faster! Oh god! Please!"
'waves of pleasure'
'seeing stars'

Situations
crying during sex
dry penetrative sex
people as food or sexual acts as eating food or people tasting like food (unless actual food is involved and really people, why?)
the 1 2 3 method of preparation
penetrative sex as the first choice of virgins everywhere (where's the frottage people?)
excessive lube
kissing during anal - comfortably

Comments

[tinderblast.livejournal.com]

Scissoring! Oh man, I hate the ubiquity of that term.

But my most hated word to read during a sex scene: turgid. There's just nothing redeemable about that word.

the 1 2 3 method of preparation

Yeah, some people make it sound like an IKEA manual.

Also:

I really, really hate the term 'fisted' when someone means a male stroked his turgid, throbbing man pole with his closed hand. Fisting is a sex act with a very particular history and meaning, and I always, always erroneously think that the writer has just upped the kink level no end but instead, they're using the ugliest term possible to describe stroking.

-brodie

[swallowaspider.livejournal.com]

Testify. Cliches like these make me wonder if the author has ever even imagined having sex before, as opposed to being driven insane by nervous giggles at the concept itself.

[ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com]

Word.

To everything except 'thrust.' There aren't a lot of good synonyms for 'thrust,' and used in moderation it's a good verb.

[maria-futura.livejournal.com]

*SNORT*

I love you. Really. With all my "molten femenine core."

*dies*

See, look what you've done! You've killed me! agh.

I just noticed

[tinderblast.livejournal.com]

These stories have to go down, and go down hard.

*laughs childishly*

This one bothers me most, probably:

penetrative sex as the first choice of virgins everywhere

It's not just the first choice, but is often presented as either the only choice or as the ultimate goal, and everything else is just a lead up to penetration. I don't read much het, so I don't know if it's true for that as well, but slash writers often seem to think that every gay male has anal sex, and lots of it. Though there's never any doubt about who's on the bottom, etc.

-brodie

[cursive.livejournal.com]

Much of this I agree with all too enthusiastically, and I particularly sympathise with your planned punishment for people who persist in writing bad sex scenes. But I have to disagree on a few counts:

Penis Related...
I don't think there's anything wrong with "thrust", as long as it's carefully used, and I can even imagine "pumping" being effectively employed (although perhaps not when directly related to the penis - I recently encountered "pumping jism" and nearly had to take a holiday from m/m slash as a result). I also particularly hate "throbbing manhood".

Nipple Related
nubs
buds
Oh yes, those are awful, though I'm trying to recall if I've ever read "love button".

Ass
pucker
rosebud
flower
Epecially the last one, and can I add "portal", which made me laugh the first time but after that I've felt rather more contempt. I'm even a bit iffy about "entrance". On the other hand I do think you can use "tight heat", with due caution.

Situations
crying during sex
I've seen this done very effectively and really awfully.
the 1 2 3 method of preparation
penetrative sex as the first choice of virgins everywhere (where's the frottage people?)
Yes Yes Yes, and Yes.
kissing during anal - comfortably
With the proviso that people do make the effort despite the discomfort...

[manubai.livejournal.com]

Aw, you forgot my personal favorite for the first category: titanium love barometer, even though using it would technically be plagiarism. ech.

[nights-mistress.livejournal.com]

You forgot some of my favourites;
snow-capped mountains of tender delight - yes I have seen it in a fanfic. I snort at it.

the pinnace of evolution - I had to think about that one, before I worked out that it was supposed to be a play on words and meant penis. Please. Get to the point.

And there are others, but I have repressed them at the moment. Which is a very good thing I think.

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

Oh yuck.

I'm off to slice out my vulva with the kitchen knife now and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

[verstehen.livejournal.com]

Remind me to find you that Harry/Draco fic in which the author kept misspelling "thrust" as "trust." Now that makes for good smut.

"Oh, yes, Draco, TRUST HARDER!"

And you, thankfully, seemed to have missed out on the anime/manga Rurouni Kenshin fanfic obsession of sword/sheath metaphors.

[alchemine.livejournal.com]

"Piss hole" and "gushing pussy" should both be outlawed. (I don't know about anyone else, but if I were gushing, I'd probably seek medical help.)

What about orgasm terms? I'd lobby to have "release" stricken from the list of those, along with the ever-odious "cum."

[teaphile.livejournal.com]

people tasting like food

This one really gets to me, especially when it's Clark tasting like citrus. Why citrus? It always makes me think he's been drinking too much orange juice. Why can't he ever taste bad? Maybe I should write a PWP in which Clark tastes like skunk scent but Lex loves him anyway.

Also, the taste of food doesn't linger that long in someone's mouth, so you most likely won't taste what they've been eating recently.

You know, I could go on and on about food-related stuff: how endearing it is to have food on one's face, for example.

[thornsilver]

The one that always pisses me off is "tits" when talking about a male. Or, really terrifyingly: "man boobs".

Also, heaving anal sex without a condom = risking urinary infection. This has been your public health announcement.

[kay-taylor.livejournal.com]

HOW ON EARTH CAN NIPPLES BE 'LUNGING'???

LUNGING FOR WHAT, EXACTLY?

[ilexa.livejournal.com]

(where's the frottage people?)

A better question could not be asked. Seriously. Let's get some more of this in fandom.

Excellent, *excellent* list. Now if only people will listen.

And? Your icon? Deserves its own shrine.

[thornsilver]

Just saw "sugary nipples" in the story. Must poke my eyes out with a spork.

*Wonders away blinded.*:P

[alongtheway.livejournal.com]

'Weeping member'. I very nearly spewed when I read that. I picture this sad looking penis with eyes drawn on, sniffling. It's not right.

[sparrohawk.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, yes. Nothing quite pulls you out of the moment like reading about someone's thrusting man-meat pounding a gaping fuck-hole.

Unless it's a leaky cock. What, he's got the clap? He's incontinent? Either way, keep that pelvis far from me (to quote Betty Rizzo).

Actually, I have read the latter in fics by some of my favorite authors, so perhaps that particular squick is not shared.